Longing For You
by Sabishisa
Summary: Zadie sits alone and thinks of his relationship with Teteiyusu. These thoughts make him wonder if it is better to live and long for his unrequitted love or die and escape it all.


Title: Longing For You

Series: Seimaden

Pairing: Zadie wants Teteiyusu, Teteiyusu wants Rauresu

Rating: R 

Warnings: language, self-inflicted violence, and suicidal thoughts/attempts

Author: Malia

~~~

Zadie growled low in his throat as he listened to the other man's sobs through the wall. That damned Rauresu had to put their rooms side-by-side, probably just to torment him as usual. Rauresu was the reason the other man was sobbing anyway. Zadie didn't know this for sure, but there was no doubt in his mind that he was right. After all, Rauresu was _always_ the reason Teteiyusu cried.

At the thought of the melancholic, silver-shrouded demon angel, Zadie's normal rough, bristle exterior softened. He hated hearing Teteiyusu cry. It felt like every tear that fell from Tet's eyes burnt straight through his heart like acid. Not that Teteiyusu would care…he only saw Zadie as an annoying, brainless fool. Zadie sighed, burying his face in his hands. He was almost ready to give up this fight. All of these fights...with himself, Rauresu, Teteiyusu…

'I just want a break,' he thought silently, looking up and out the window forlornly. Another sigh passed from his lips and he stood up, walking slowly towards the window. When he reached it, he put his hands up on the panes of glass and rested his forehead against its cool surface. It was raining outside; again, nothing unusual. Keeping his forehead on the glass he raised his eyes to look outside. Dark….that only made him feel worse. 

In the other room something thudded against the wall, making Zadie jump slightly. Teteiyusu was probably throwing things. There came the sound of glass shattering and Zadie smiled. Yep, he was throwing things. Probably blaming his sadness on Hilda, which always pissed him off. Teteiyusu honestly believed that if Hilda were to die Rauresu would be with him. And he was probably right. Rauresu did indeed have some amount of feelings for Teteiyusu….even if they didn't go very far. He cared for him, and sought to protect the silver-angel, but that was about it. But it was enough for Teteiyusu to hold on to desperately. Either way, Rauresu would never Tet's love and Zadie took a certain amount of guilty comfort in that fact. Even if Teteiyusu wouldn't love him, he felt the same torment.

Zadie closed his eyes and sighed once more. That wasn't true though…. Teteiyusu's pain and his pain were really not alike. Where Teteiyusu knew Rauresu cared just a little about him, Zadie knew that Teteiyusu didn't care if he lived or died. Zadie's fist balled up against the window. It just wasn't fair. He gave his everything to Teteiyusu and the silver-haired man could care less. But he ate up any little seemingly friendly action from Rauresu. Zadie punched the window feeling the vibration of the hit against his forehead. He repeated the action and his fist went through the window, cutting him in various places from his knuckles up to his wrist. Zadie pulled his arm back inside and studied the blood quietly.

'Maybe,' he thought, running a claw through the mini-streams of blood that were running down his skin. 'Maybe, I can be free from all this pain. If I don't feel anything….'

Zadie looked down at the shattered glass on the floor from where he'd broken it. He bent down and picked up a shard of it, looking at it quietly. He'd never felt like this before; this total lack of care and interest. Like he was doing something he did every day. 

'Free,' he thought and began to press the glass to his wrist, feeling it puncture the skin slightly, bringing up blood around the clear glass. 'Free from all of this.' He pressed harder and pain shot up his arm. He ignored it and began to slide the glass across, back and forth. 'No more of any of it. It all ends here….' The wound was getting larger and deeper. The pain was getting worse, but escaped his attention. 'No more Teteiyusu…' He stopped the sawing at his arm. Could he really deal with no more Teteiyusu? Never to see him again, or hear him, or touch him….

The glass was dropped at his feet, still stained with blood, more dripping onto it as he stood up straight and thought silently. Without warning he ran from his room, snatching the door open and turning slightly to pull Teteiyusu's door open. He stood in the doorway for a moment and saw Teteiyusu's mouth open to say something. Probably to tell him to get the hell out. Zadie didn't give him a chance to speak.

"I don't care," he said loudly, "I don't care if you don't love me back! But living with your hatred is better than dying without you!"

Teteiyusu looked shocked for a moment. He noticed the blood pouring from Zadie's wound. Things began to piece together. "What happened to your wrist, idiot? You're bleeding all over my carpet! Get out, you're sickening me!"

Zadie rushed over to him and snatched the man into his arms, hugging him tightly and forcing him to hold still while he kissed his lips. Teteiyusu pushed him off roughly as soon as Zadie loosened his grip. "The away from me, you mindless bastard! You got your stinking blood all over me! Damnit, how ignorant can you be?!"

Zadie took the words in without flinching. It was clear to him now. He would rather live with Teteiyusu's abuse, than not ever see his beloved angel again. Death would be horrid, merely because it would separate him from the only person he could ever really love. Zadie walked towards the door. He paused in the doorway, looking over his shoulder at the flushed and angry angel demon. "I love ya," he said and left before Teteiyusu could reply with his usual snide remark. He closed the door behind him. "One day, you'll understand that."

~~~

++AN: Well, I finally finished this story. I've been working on this thing for 2 months! But it's not quite as long as I thought it would be. Either way, it's a break from my usual style 'cause there's no sex of any kind in it. But, it's a nice difference don't you think? Well, R&R please!!! ++


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